Why is fitness so hard?

I'll just out and say it - I don't like going to the gym and I need to rant about it.

As a bit of background, I've been overweight most of my life, and weight about 280 right now, at six feet tall. I've got a big frame, but I could stand to lose quite a few pounds. So, in my search for weight loss, I've tried dieting, walking, running, swimming, yoga, intermittent fasting, weightlifting, cardio, and cycling. None of that shit works.

I do like riding a bike, so cycling is here to stay. However I live in Oregon, and when it's raining heavy/snowing, or baking hot outside(stupid global warming) I don't ride. Better alive and fat than slightly thinner and dying of heat exhaustion or hypothermia. Lifting weights is really what I decided is my thing, and I can always do a "cut" later to try and burn fat - which in theory is made easier by additional muscle I add during a "bulk".

However, I hate going to the gym.

I don't get why, or how, all these "fitness influencers" bang on about how great it is to go to the gym, how much they enjoy working out, etc. Who hurt you? Working out sucks.

First I have to jump the mental hurdle of actually going. Every day, I look in the mirror and I'm still fat. I've been weightlifting for over a year now and I haven't lost a pound, according to the scale(although in theory, since my 1RM has gone up, in theory I've built muscle and lost fat - but it sure doesn't look like it). Every day I wonder what's the point of putting myself through this for no benefits that I can see or feel.

Then, assuming I get as far as actually going to the gym, I have to slog through a workout which I hate. I have a pretty good push-pull-legs program set up, but the actual workout sucks. Lifting heavy things hurts and makes me tired. The next few days I feel sore and even more tired. I'm surrounded by buff sweaty men who obviously are doing better than I and are lifting more than me. After so long why am I not even making discernible progress?

Then, there's the eating, and to be fair, this is probably the area where I struggle the most, having an eating disorder most of my life. I struggle to eat enough protein, and when I do, my stomach and digestive system gets upset. I'm still sore and hurt every day. I should eat some more chicken or eggs but I'm already full and can't eat any more. I really don't have the mental fortitude to work out a diet regimen and plan it out and stick to it and cook when I already had to spend so much mental energy to get to the gym in the first place.

Sometimes I just wonder why I bother. I am filled with anger that some people are just "naturally fit" and do this so effortlessly. I don't have enough energy to do all the fitness and all the dieting and keep that up, and it's just so hard. Always uphill. Never a break, if I take one, I'm just putting on weight again. I hate that it's this hard to fix my body.

And on the note of fat acceptance - if you're cool in your own body, that's cool! I'm not. I don't like not fitting in my shirts, getting winded going up the stairs, and breaking mattresses within a few years. I refuse to accept my body the way it is because I hate the way I am. This rage is directed at myself and what I have to do - if you're good in your own body, that's good!

I guess there's nothing for it but to keep slaving away at the gym. The few instructors I've listened to that seem more honest are upfront that this is a multi-year endeavor. After this long, and giving it all the mental and physical energy that I can muster, I just can't see that I've made any progress. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

The mental energy thing deserves its own blog post, so I'll cover that another time.